Saturday, March 17, 2012

Funny T-Shirts Almost Got Me Killed

Who doesn’t like a drink now and then? By “now and then”, I mean at least twice-a-week. Fridays, of course, were made for getting drunk and hanging out with friends. You get off work, you take a nap, and then you go out and make some good stories happen. I also like a good Wednesday night drunk. Nothing too crazy, because you need to avoid the dreaded mid-week hangover. I always go to my neighborhood watering hole and I am quite well known there as a man who likes to have fun. I also am quite well known for always wearing different funny t-shirts. I have lots, but the night of this story in particular found me wearing one that ridiculed the rapper Kanye West.
Being that Wednesday is one of the better nights to get soused with my comrades, we all met up at Paul’s Place at around 7pm and I was proudly sporting one of my new funny t-shirts. My two friends and I ate some chicken wings, and starting pouring beer on top of them in our bellies. I love my bar and we were having a fantastic time, and there were even some girls there that have never been there before. We bought them drinks, we made them laugh, and turned the charm up to 10 while we played some shuffleboard. All in all, the night started off pretty great.
Since it was a weekday and most people have jobs to go to, the bar started emptying out around midnight. For some reason, I had enough drinks in me to think that staying to close was a great idea. Some small part of me knew that tomorrow would be an 8 hour journey through a thick hangover, but that wasn’t stopping me tonight. I had shifted to drinking beers with boiler-makers interspaced throughout, so it is needless to say that I was getting hammered out of any sense of common decency. I had also completely forgotten about my current funny t-shirts selection, and everything.
The bar closed its doors around 2:00am, and I was in severe need of something to eat. Eggs, a burger, pizza, bacon…yes, bacon would be the best thing. I had to find an all-night diner and I needed something that had bacon in it. My best friend hailed a cab, and we managed to communicate to him with our drunken English that we needed food. He said he knew just the place and took off with us deep into the bowels of Manhattan, which means he was taking us really far away for the extra cab fare. I guess he wasn’t as big of a fan of funny t-shirts as most. Someone else was, though, because as soon as me and my buddy walked into the diner, a guy sitting off to my left said, “Nice shirt, buddy.”
I am not a fighter, I’ll admit. I usually fend off fights with a witty quip and a disarming smile. When I’ve drank boilermakers all night, however, there is no chance of that happening whatsoever. Whoever was about to fight me, would only meet drunken slaps in opposition. I turned around, and lost all my will to fight or insult. The two guys sitting in the booth behind me were twin goliaths. Giant, angry-looking, black guys in suits. What in the world had I gotten myself into with my funny t-shirts? I stared at them with a look of shock on my face forever, but they couldn’t maintain for long. They broke out laughing, and I gave an uneasy smile. It turns out that they were security guys for Kanye, and they disliked him about as much as anyone could.
I will probably never see those guys again, but I’m sure they browsed websites full of funny t-shirts until they found that Kanye West shirt. I’m also certain I was too drunk to tell them where I got it, even though they asked more than once. The whole situation could have gone much worse. Kanye West could have been craving some greasy diner food that night and been there himself. I might have been seriously scolded by an uptight pop singer.
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